BREAKING: Woman enjoys life to the fullest despite not being stick thin

JUST IN: New York City woman carrying an extra ten pounds on her frame enjoys life to the fullest and finds worth beyond what she looks like. This shocking news hit the public earlier this week when Ellie, the woman with no thigh gap, ate carbs without feeling guilty. 

“It was a jarring experience,” says longtime Upper East Side resident who witnessed the carb-centered crime. “I went to get my usual avocado toast, no toast and there she was, enjoying herself with carbs despite not being stick thin.” 

(Fashion) Officials received a call later that day in which a victim described Ellie wearing a skin forward outfit that did in fact show an “imperfect” body. The gruesome event happened at the MoMa where the woman is said to have been “looking at art” and “staying to herself.” When asked to define what an “imperfect” body is, the eye-sore victim said “I don’t know rolls? Stretch marks?” BREAKING: Dinner rolls are out and so is Laffy Taffy. To avoid similar situations we ask all women to refrain from “living life to the fullest.” Anything that may cause your body to grow, mold, experience pleasure, or successfully take on life should be avoided. Experts are still looking into a way in which the above can be avoided while the female body takes part in repopulation. While working to grow human bones, flesh, and organs inside of the uterus please avoid stretched skin, weight gain, swollen anything, and sagging. But do create a perfect offspring. UPDATED: Experts are saying depriving yourself of needed nutrients and passing down ingrained body insecurities to said children may be the only cure. 

It’s been discovered, through a grape vine of insecure women gossiping, that Ellie later went on to move her body in the way that felt best to her vs working out to shrink what others saw as flaws. The woman was also caught using a treadmill without worrying about how her bum looked to the row of ellipticals behind her. The gym has since revoked her membership and plans to launch a required class in their Think Small series entitled, “Working out with others in mind.”

We trailed Ellie from the gym to the store where she bought clothes that seemingly fit her like a glove which the shop owner said “was bizarre and jarring since the smaller size was in stock and she very well could have tried to squeeze into those, cry, and then base her worth off of that.” 

After Ellie made quite a few self-purchases, the investigative team here at The Male Gazette decided to contact her place of work. We’ve been in contact with her boss who described her as one of their quote unquote best employees. 

“She’s brought in top numbers three years in a row.” 

“And how much of her day does she spend worrying about what she looks like, dealing with imposter syndrome, or feeling insecure?” 

“Ummm, none?”

“And how many hours do you spend distracted by her weight?”

“Also none.” This ends the affidavit. 

Ellie rounded out her shocking day by having a date with a New York Ten. Our team watched from a table nearby as she carried herself with the same level of confidence as a size zero. A source close to the woman’s date tells us that the New York Ten was visibly nervous and found her extremely attractive. We are working to fully confirm that. An audible gasp was heard throughout the room when Ellie went in with a tasteful forearm touch. The entire evening was as if she was just as beautiful if not more beautiful than her “competition.” Several onlookers saw something and said something by alerting Ellie that the New York Ten was out of her league. 

After careful observation, it appears that Ellie will attempt to live in a similar manner everyday of her life. The suspect is currently at large in Greenpoint, NY but not an immediate danger unless of course you are a croissant, and/or someone adverse to joy. 

Stay tuned next week when The Male Gazette covers the current epidemic; women in public places wearing no makeup.